I SAY I SAY I SAY BOY

It's foggy out
and I'm wanting chili from wendys
before
working maybe while working...
Is it weird I think the fog is cool?

Looking forward to reminiscing in my new red notebook (half price was having a sale).

and another day, but not just another day

merry christmas three ish days early... I think the eve is my most favorite day.
this is a poem I got from a friend--- kind of a liturgy.


it is a time of whispers
of rumors and echoes
angels are unfurling their wings
stars are dancing new steps
and the universe is drawing breath
for now we live in the waiting time

let the darkness gather
let the seasons change
let the nights draw in
to their darkest moment

the light is on it's way

so come now
be a blessing to the frantic and worried world
come now
and find space
silence
stillness

for God is slipping into skin
and restless in the womb

it is advent

Everything.

Today is one of those days where stuff gets done on autopilot and there's finally a harsh chill in the air that says.. yet again.. an Indiana winter is fast approaching. There might be a little romance left in fall but I doubt it. I don't think its a secret to many people that if I were honest, I'd be anywhere but here. And by here I mean activity and location in life. I find myself thinking ahead rather than what's going on at the moment. Although the more I think about it, I'm realizing how utterly selfish that is. Yet today is my little sister's eleventh birthday. She is the kind of 'baby of the family' in the way of looking out for us older ones. As well as sometimes being more mature and grow up. But I remember when I turned eleven. Not ten, not twelve. Only remember the eleventh year for some reason. The main thing I remember was feeling very 'the weight of all my years is upon me!' oh throw thy hand across thy brow for thee is of very olden years...!
And how quickly the years pass. Right now I am on my sixth day of recovering from an eye infection. Even though I can't put anything like a contact or eyeliner pencil near them, I still am so happy because I can do life things that involve more than a darkroom ambiance. It was really difficult. I took an average of 15 naps a day and listened to t.v shows. But I am so thankful for eyesight now! And being able to look at this computer screen full on without my eyes utterly failing me.

I'm engaged!

That felt funny to even write. (j/k by the way) Everyone is getting married... I guess it happens.
And I found a new library today. 42nd and college. I'm very excited and am typing within its hallowed walls at this moment. To be able to marry books...but no. I'll hold out for flesh and blood.

Blond moment

For example, I've never really had to deal with peep holes before. But today, I was alone in the apartment and with the ensuing knock, I checked to see my visitor through this hole. Immediately ducking, I crawled carefully to the other room. Side note: if it was the boogie man, the door wasn't even locked. After a time of silence, I again crawled to noiselessly turn the bolt and deadlock the door. More knocks, and I hear.. "maintenance!" I then opened the door (with the deadlock still intact) and told him to come back another day.
Shockingly, I learned the other person cannot see you peep at them. Which I guess is the point of the peep hole. I even double checked on the outside, and couldn't see a thing. Sad I know.

No more coffee...

at least from a certain corporation.

While you're online, google "starbucks and leaving the tap running". There's a lot that comes up. Has anyone heard of this/knew of this before now?? I don't look behind their counters, but it's kind of surprising this would only now come to light. I asked a friend who had worked at Starbucks if they really keep water running constantly, and she said they did, but it was recycled water. I'm thinking about boycotting forever, plus the fact that they boast of being environmentally aware. Finding some smaller business to support would be great.

Ugg, it's a beautiful fall monday and I have a long procrastinated paper hanging over me. Like the sword with the thread... what was that fable anyway? Many questions need answers, like do I really want to write (as a major)? If I like writing enough to do it seriously, then why isn't this paper a breeze? Yes, this is truly a college student's broken record.

Some updates: I'm not going to Ireland. I probably would have been able to with more time and planning, but after crunching numbers with red ink and tears, it's not going to work this time. Hopefully it will still be there in a couple years.
I'll also have a new address for the next couple of months. I'm moving out with 3 other girlies and it will probably be a bit tight (2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom) but FUN.
Anyone want some pumpkin bread? I have the best recipe and I will make some for you.

a heart attack

got too many questions
and not enough words

got too many books
and not enough time...

someday.

got too many ambitions
and not enough spunk

got too many places to go
and not enough gas...

someday i will.

got too many pieces to learn
and not enough patience

got too many people to see
miles to run
recipes to try
homeless to relieve
gardens to create
lists to finish
lessons to learn


STOP!

I will.. someday.


Don't work tomorrow... going to a PU football game in Lafeyette!!

I've sporadically written poems-of-a-sort through this century, and thought I'd start posting some. I won't start out with my favorites, as it will hopefully lower expectations and such. Here's one for today. I believe it was written staring at a Christmas tree.


the popcorn strand

a squiggly row
one row
half-done, alone
amid the light and green.
a splash of
old-fashioned nostalgia
and then- stopped.

I love 2AM. The world is different; more tiptoe-ish and mysterious. I'm hanging out with a friend in Lafayette IN, I caught her home amidst her travels around the world. (HI MEGAN!!) We just baked cookies with the friends called a glass of wine and good conversation. Glorious, wonderful world... what good things will you reveal tomorrow?

Life has been mostly a plate of mundane with a 1/2 cup of frustration and the usual pinch of this feeling called youaregoingnowhere. Yet I'm feeling like bare feet on warm summer pavement. I took a walk this morning, and recounting everything I had to do today, I realized it was filled with things like making money, and education, and being with friends and family. Not even factoring in my soft clean sheets. I know this is somewhat of a duh revelation. And I know I'm being vague in my explanations. So, for example, an opportunity came up for me to go with some of my Summit friends to Ireland and Scotland this November. These two places have reigned as the top contenders for my list called 'This is the order in which I would like to see the World'. I tried different options out like selling my car so I could go. But with good sense now somewhat back in place, I'm trying to keep my hands from clenching up around this idea again. I told Ashley I would give her an answer soon...

Still on E

I have Natasha Bedingfield's pocket full of sunshine stuck in my head. It's not too far off from my thoughts this afternoon, but that's just today. Hope everyone is enjoying the long weekend!

Non post

This held my attention probably longer than it should have.

And it's way too hot to run today :(

The long day is over

Yay, I got through my first double shift waitressing without falling apart.   Really folks, the next time you go out to eat, know that there is much rejoicing behind the swinging doors when you leave after you are done eating and leave a respectable tip.  My admiration for servers has gone way up because it's HARD.  All depends on the restaurant, but still.  I'm thankful to have income, and to know that life won't always be like this.  

On a different subject, mostly for my benefit because working/money is consuming my thoughts lately, FALL IS COMING.   I love the anticipation of autumn.  The September blue sky's make me think all the other months blue sky's are just posers.   A bouquet of sharpened pencils would be stylin on a desk; apple pies cooling in the window.  Wouldn't it be lovely.  

It's 11 AM

My list of things to do isn't so long today. It's just that they aren't very fun. I've always loved lists; they are so neat and the thoughts rumbling in your head are now out on paper. Therefore, they don't take up precious space and that space can be used for remembering how you didn't finish yesterday's to do list. Plus, there is always a satisfaction in putting a big slash through a task.

But I propose making fun lists. Like today, my list would be:

1. Go to the fair and eat.
2. Lay in the sunshine with my new book.  (I would read it as well)
3. Cut some orange blossoms  by the window for my desk.
4. Watch the synchronized Olympic diving

Good idea yes?

Employment is.. fun?

I found a job after nineteen days of looking.  I don't think that's TOO bad, yet it's not a photojournalist model world traveler (which was what I was going for). It's nice to have money, what with all the school bills and regular bills and food bills and loans bills (?) and gas bills and fish buying going on.

And I'm not even living by myself yet, nor have any cute dependents (kids) or hunky men candy (husbands) to call my own. I'm shaking my fist at you modern world... why must you inflict such destruction upon a pocketbook? It's not even a pretty one, just small and shiny black. *sigh*

:)

Put your mind to it, honey.

I wrote this on January 31st, 2007:

"I will not be a college dropout."

And I won't.  

Words, only words

I feel sad again.  And this is a for-no-good-reason sad.  You know how girls sometimes answer 'i don't know' to a why question? When you know you really like/don't like something, or feel a certain way, but can't put a concrete reason behind it?  My cousin Adam's illustration on how guys view that answer kinda made me look at this response a different way.  He said it's equivilant to someone asking you where you live, and you say 'i don't know.'  But now I'm just being mean to my own sex.   

Have you ever turned an offer down, when it would have been the perfect time, just because you had to go to the bathroom? That happened to me just today actually.  I went to apply to the Italian restaurant Bravos, and I was able to get pretty far in the application process.  I was asked if I could stay 10 minutes longer to wait and talk to another manager.   However, the only reason I asked if I could schedule an interview the next day was that I had to get out of there and pee.  I haven't had to go that bad since I was... really young.   And  I definitely couldn't have excused myself right then; I'm trying to make a good impression.  They can't know that I have the same bodily function as the rest of those six billion humans.  

and the crickets go on singing their evening melody, and the grass gives off its wet summery smell.  light glows from neighboring windows, and i believe there are people inside.   

and it's hard to tell right now, but tomorrow (most likely) the earth will spin as such that our side of the earth will encounter the sun's light.   it will be a new 'day', as genesis first relayed. Not one that we had before and will never have again... in all exactness.  Something to look forward to.  

Flying high with occasional thuds

I love the fact that the world is so big, there is so much to do, so much to see and be and create, ways to be challenged and things to look forward to.   There is so much sometimes that instead of racing out and trying to devour it all I poke my head out of my shell- decide it's all much to daunting- and hide.  

But I don't want to hide anymore, I don't want to be afraid.   In Colorado I almost felt like a different person, one that could do pretty much anything.  Yet Summit was a bubble, an amazing bubble, and now that I'm in the world again I'm a little girl.   Right now I'm looking for a job, and if anyone knows of someone looking... let me know!

Lists are great

My book wish list from this summer:

• The Gift of Fire
• War against the weak
• A Severe Mercy
• Slave Trade
• Angola, By the Back Door
• The Brothers
• Crime and Punishment
• East of Eden
• My Sister's Keep
• Never Eat Alone
• The Mastery of Sex
• How Should We Then Live?
• Persuasion
• Phantom Tollbooth
  

I have many other lists as well.   Better get started...

Question to ask yourself:  What would you do for God if you knew you could not fail?  

Sixteen Days

Dear Colorado,

I will have to leave you soon. This makes me sad because I have so many wonderful memories with you. I know that you will always be there for me. Yet, I have to tell you that I will be glad to get home and see my family and friends very much because I miss them. Thank you for everything you have taught me.

Love,
Stephanie

He Said

Andy was shooting marshmellows at me tonight with his blowgun. It was practice for keeping students awake during a Marxist worldview movie at 10 PM.

We received paychecks today and it was said that, 'they're probably smaller than you would like, but probably bigger than you deserve.' Yes..

I've had really bad allergyes while here, so somedays my eyes are continually red. One of the guys asked me 'do you always cry?' Always, dear sensitive male.

While I was in this REAL, LIVE, GENIUINE attic this afternoon, trying to find some quietness, I thought of two things that I could do differently when I get home.
1) Never sleep past 8 AM
2) Plant an amazing garden
I believe that these two activites could maybe change my life. Planning, planting, caring for and enjoying my [squash, cucumbers, tomatoes, sunflowers, etc...] I'd love to do.

And I've noticed everytime I get up early... I never regret it. I always regret sleeping in. Enjoy it, but regret it. It's kinda like the things you do where it feels good at the time, but you pay for it. That could apply to a lot of things, but in this case, you lose time. And with time you can do so much.

Just now

Outside my door I heard a girl exclaim, "oh, I love my life!" without a hint of sarcasm. It was sweet.

Real people real problems real life

It's exhausting really trying to live. Maybe that sounds odd, or maybe it just sounds true.. but really loving others, serving unselfishly, and honoring Him in all actions are definitely things to add to the todo list.
'And do not be conformed to the pattern of this world.."

Beautiful days

I've been here in Manitou Springs, Colorado for nine days now and it is glorious. Today is my free day from working and so far I have slept in, which is hard not to do regularly since I have the 6PM to midnight shift, woke up to my dad calling me, went running (VERY different from running in Indiana!), fiber/protein-ed it up for breakfast... you get the idea. But everyone here is great, students and staff. It's a small session, about half of the 180 we usually have... but it's good to slowly start.
I have been taking pictures, and will upload some when I can get ahold of a laptop.

oh and because I love snail mail

the address I'm at here is:
Stephanie Herin
c/o Summit Ministries
Box 207 Osage Ave
Manitou Springs, CO 80829

Today I...

ate/drank: coffee, tea, mac n cheese, cucumbers, cereal, bite of chocolate cake. (apparently it's 'c' food day)

felt: scatterbrained

went to: starbucks, library, work (double shift :()

listened to: Kaleb's DJ Harry pandora radio

wished for: a scooter bike, punching bag (for working out :), the tightness in my shoulders to ease up

read: a chapter in Revelations, and less than a chapter of Oliver Twist

Hope you guys are having a good day!

Thinking

I'm wondering if I should join an amish community.    With the new .7 tax, gas prices, and studies showing that cell phone usage can cause tumors and cancer from the radiation, and just the economy in general... it might be a good idea.

Seriously, even though that idea is pretty radical!, moving to the country and living on a farm really makes me excited.    I think it would be hard to cut one thing out, like using my cell phone, and still live in the city.  But if all distractions were removed and life was pretty organic, I think it would be easier to adjust to.  Hmm

I smell it

Stars are a twinkling outside... this time of the year is a time for all northern (ish) states to start waking up.  As much as it would be wonderful to live in a forever warm climate,  I think I'd miss some of the anticipation for beautiful weather. 

I really really enjoy walking out the door without a pile of coat/hat/scarf etc.   The smell of fresh, damp earth, and warm wind make my windows come up.  In the summer, sitting on the porch at twilight, listening to cicadas showing off their sounds, is one of the most satisfying ways to end the day.  And when spring finally comes, though at first it might decide to be all moody and hail  (like today), I'll probably decide to fondly remember winter.   :)

 

Needing some COLOR

Working holidays [I work at a country club] can be okay, but only when  people go away when they're supposed to.   

Note of frustration: Your cold cup of coffee is going to stay cold.  No more refills for you. Please remove yourself from the chair, get into your Mercedes and let us, your penguin servers, have a holiday as well.

Lesson learned today:  notice others. 

But also, I think I have a new friend from today:  Her name is Kara. 

Katharine Hepburn says: Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get...only with what you are expecting to give... which is everything.  

--kinda hard without Jesus--

Corny [but sincere]

Wrote this a while ago

...
you are
...
in everyday sprinklings
that make. life. halt
and i listen-
usually not hearing

but

a certain yearning
a burst of awakening
you take the words out of me
and put back joy.

i think i should like to race out and find
handfuls of perfect wildflowers
to present you at your doorstep.
how can i grab those snatches
and pin them to my heart-

to stay- always to stay?

lovely presence,
you are what holds me
together

Different sounds around me: the clock's tick, the dryer, faint voices from another room. (and also my 18 year old brother's clear voice in search of food.)

The curtains are shutting out a cloudy day.
And laundry waiting at my feet in a jumble mess.

As I was driving back from Lafeyette this morning, a special program was on for good Friday. Different voices were acting out Luke chapters 22 and 23.
These few verses, in the context of Jesus being led away to be crucified, were loud...

"...and women who also mourned and lamented Him. But Jeseus, turning to them, said, "Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for yourselves and for your children. For indeed the days are coming in which they will say, 'Blessed are the barren, wombs that never bore, and breats which never nursed!' Then they will begin 'to say to the mountains, "Fall on us!" and to the hills, "Cover us!" For if they do these things in the green wood, what will be done in the dry?
[Luke 23: 28-31]

I'm not sure I know what he's saying.

Megan gets back in three days. I'm just about 22 years old. Goodfellas. I found a good country- side think spot when the need arises. I wish Indiana had less Indiana in it. I'm also on a quest for a good solid bike, one that'll last. Craving cheese. And I really love my sister, who cuddles with me in bed.

Five months later...

I think part of my problem is that a computer screen scares me. I am a veteran of pen and paper, and have been "journaling" since 1995. But the stack of notebooks have only been for me... and now trying to write for whoever might click upon this site might be where I am tripping up.

But I enjoy reading others words and thoughts, and I'd now like to be on the giving and not just receiving end. To write without critic and self-consciousness, to write what is real and not all dreams is a good idea, and one that might be hard. Because, God forbid, anyone actually get to know me...! I was always bad at brainstorming in school; spewing out the first middle and last idea, without any extra caution or 'yea THAT would never happen, wasn't how my brain liked to work. I would always like to think things through, and maybe too much. Hereditary props to my dad for giving me this personality trait :)

So all this to say that I'm gonna write publically now, whether anyone reads or not. And that it will sometimes be as logical or sensical (new word?) as a middle school english brainstorm assignment. But that's okay.