Rant-ish

I meant to write about this when it happened (about 2 months ago) but of course I didn't. I was sitting in a crowded Ivy Tech waiting area, in line to see an advisor. I had been there a good hour and a half. This guy that I was sure came in 20 minutes after me got called in. Annoyed, I was about to go to the counter to make sure I hadn't been skipped. This young black girl, who was also waiting, started singing 'Amazing Grace.' She went through the song in this slow strong voice, which wasn't the most beautiful, but everyone just kinda froze and a stillness settled on the room. I only heard her, but helped put everything into perspective. Things like that probably happen in places like N.Y, but people don't just start singing a song about 'a wretch like me' in front of strangers in Indianapolis.

My biology teacher somehow got talking about his 25 year old son, who is basically a beach bum in Australia. I guess he has a few odd jobs, but 'his biggest decision of the day is decide what beach to go to'. A few of my classmates relayed their incredulousness, some saying it would be cool. The teacher said one day he's going to have to grow up and get a secure job. That kind of talk saddens me. Sure, a 'secure' job would be fine if it's something you enjoy. But I'm trying to find the balance in my own mind in being a part of the rat race, and separating from that mind set. A 'bum' isn't a good lifestyle if you're lazy. A fancy office job isn't good if money and image are in first place. I also don't want to rain on a dedicated family man, who has, in part, become apart of working America. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I was just feel directly adverse to what is expected, to what 'growing up' means. It seems to mean putting on a suit, having a 5 day work week, paying bills, mortgages, depending on caffeine to propel you through 6AM and 3PM. And why does 'mortgage' have a 't' in it?!?!?!!

Dear God

Thank you for
my family, the dignity of hard work, music, strong wine, thoughts in late night, possibility, NPR, pumpkin bread, the opportunity to learn, democracy, Neo, farmers, crisp breezes, strong tea, cell phones to call far away friends, second helpings, eternity with you, pretty things, contentment, the world, the oceans, the sky, the moon, the smallness of me, a strong mind, second chances, third chances, grace, being there, contemplation, places with no building in sight, imagination, emotion, fourth chances, order, tears, your goodness your love.

I was a bit of an airhead yesterday. Couldn't spell my name the first time in class, forgot where broad ripple was on meridian, took off from work with my manager's keys still in my apron pocket... I guess that's all. Nothing catastrophic. I haven't left the house yet today except to get caught in the rain while walking the dog.
NPR had this story about a girl from Indonesia who was basically held as a slave for a wealthy family in CA for 7 seven years. She had come to the US to work and send the money back home to her family. However, there was no contract and the CA family didn't pay her the $50 a month they had originally promised her. She was only allowed to leave the house to get the mail. She was told that this was her destiny and that she would only be hurt/raped/killed if she did leave. A boy who frequently passed her on his bicycle when she got the mail saw 'the pain on her face' and eventually helped her to freedom. He gave her the number for an organization called CAST LA and now, after five years, she is finally without fear of this family taking her. I know she is just one of millions. 'In His name all oppression shall cease' and we must do something!!

Peace

Why do I choose the day my grandpa died to update this sad excuse for a blog? I don't know.
It's just the first time I've watched someone take their last breath. I don't feel much of anything right now, except the scene keeps playing over and over in my mind. I'm glad to have been able to be there with my aunt, uncle and my dad.
Hopefully I can write more later.

Thinking about the future

As sure as crickets in a summer's night,

As sure as girls leaning in for a picture.
As sure as a dusty farmer's truck.

As sure as sorrow in the world
As sure as lines on a grandpa's face As sure as third graders joy at terms end


As sure as greasy dishes evaporating all bubbles
As sure as dirty laundry piles grow
As sure as the continual need for shopping outlets and new suburbs

with two maples evenly spaced, crisp windowpane and a garage door that closes every night.

I don't want my garage door to close every night.

me n sis

My sister just got home from visiting her boy toy and I'm going to enjoy watching a gilmore girl with her... yes the nerd girly show. It has been a favorite. We have been passing ships in the darkest night recently. I think I need to be more intentional about relationships, especially people that will always be there. Like family. But the odd part is, I tend to make more effort on the people far away and not close ones. Also, anyone who reads these words: you should blog! All my link-age has been stagnate. :) :)

keep a stride

The view from where I'm sitting is quite normal and familiar, just my bedroom. I finished a glass of wine- with the goodwill sticker still on the end of it. The window's closed because it is still too cool out. Four books stacked. I miss my books being up here- they've been stuck in storage because there's no room their mass. My 'bean snake' has lost its microwave heat, but I don't feel like getting up to re-warm it. It is soon to be 1 AM and I haven't written a thing.

I've been thinking about writing a lot more lately. I've stopped journaling somewhere along the way, and feel kinda guilty for it. It used to be an outlet and fun. Now writing a sentence is like pulling teeth. I'm starting to envy clacking keyboards, because those keyboard owners know what they want to say and have the words tripping off their fingers. And I have clacking keyboard envy.
Mine goes something like this: click clack cl---ick [pause] clacka clack clic--k. [pause] [PAUSE]

I do want to be a writer. Or a Writer. Seriously or not, I've always loved the world of books and would love to add my 347 pages to the endless shelf.

misty delight-ish

I don't know how many times this quote has been repeated, but i like it a lot :

I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.
~Henry David Thoreau

'.. to live deep...' yea. That sounds good. Wrote this about a year ago:

the same

swingin' in a hammock
sun going down
summer sound of crickets
envelop me.
hole in my jeans
i ate a cupcake
chocolate.
pattern of slender branches
against a silver lining

how're you doing, world?

I'm past the stress and ache of the day
faced a fear or two
now it's just me- and sound
and i'm fine

how are you world?

what's everyone up to? because we're really all the same.
Insecure, lonely
without the time (we think)
to watch the lightening bugs
come out of hiding.
whose us in that plane?
wonder where their going?
I'm content here- in my swing
with you.

how are you doing world?

just remember
past everyone's differences
we're all the same.

I can't seem to get over several rude comments made tonight at work. They weren't said to me, but from one coworker to another. I feel like I've developed a thicker skin from some of the things that go on, but I very much wanted to hate this person. I didn't say anything in the other persons defense... maybe I should have.

yuck

sad

so, i'm typing this chicken peck style because i'm holding one depressed little puppy with my other arm. neo has gotten increasingly sadder because i think he believes all his boys have left him. my friend megan, who has hung out with me while everyone's been gone couldn't find him for 10 minutes when i was at work. she said she found him under the desk in a corner. and i can't tell him they will be back. i'm not very involved in his dog world, so it's of no comfort that i'm here :) now that i really think about it, it's an interesting thought about how animals are mute. i wonder if they could talk, or communicate somehow, before the curse. now my arm is falling asleep.

Poem I forgot how many

Knees

Glint of a ray
Shines on my peachy surface,
Curvy almost
Boney.
Never lonely.
One and Two
I forgot
in the shower.

wanting some eternal perspective

I pulled out an old Rich Mullins CD this morning; that man was close to the throne.

Now, People say maybe things will get better
People say maybe it won't be long
And people say maybe you'll wake up tomorrow
And it'll all be gone
Well I only know that maybes just ain't enough
When you need something to hold on
There's only one thing that's clear

I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
But that ain't nothing to be afraid of
I know there's bound to come some tears up in your eyes
That ain't no reason to fear
I know there's bound to come some trouble to your life
Reach out to Jesus, hold on tight
He's been there before and He knows what it's like
You'll find He's there

1.

"And it's a great day to be alive, I know the sun's still shining when I close my eyes."

In an email, a friend of mine wrote, "i do know worrying now is disobedience, takes away my strength, and denies God´s ability to do something incredible." I don't want life to be a flat road of struggle, of complacency, to do lists, of self.